So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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