You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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