I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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