Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
