every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
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You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
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You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
A+ Viking dick
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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