i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Randomize
