just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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