There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
