Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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