why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
