I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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