i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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