he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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