my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I AM VODKA MAN
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
