So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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