I hate all girls vehemently.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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