I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm too high and old for this...
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
