My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
