They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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