maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
