apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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