I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
