i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
