You're my little dorito
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
