I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
