one might say we're banned from that church
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
