How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
