I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
