If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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