What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
