i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
