I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
