I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
