youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
