I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
