im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
