So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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