She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
