Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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