He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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