I just pynch a tree in the face
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
