help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
