Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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