The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
there is puke in my bra ... again
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
