My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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