Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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