I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Randomize
