There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize