She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
