I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
