i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
