I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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