I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
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