i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize