and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
