how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
