Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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